i. hate. latex.
full blown get that shit away from me before i dissolve into tears or rip your face off with my teeth.
most guys, when they find out, high five my boyfriend.
but its not what youre thinking. sure, i hate latex/rubber masks, boots ((although i will grit my teeth and hold my breath and force my feet into a super cute pair of wellies)), condoms, and GLOVES…. but the absolute WORST THING OF ALL THINGS TO EVER EXIST.
is the balloon.
seriously, fuck the guy that invented balloons. no wait. i like the shiny silvery ones. but the rubber ones? go die.
they stink. they smell, they smell so terrible. and if theyre in a confined space, like a car or a small room, they start to smell all warm and gross and ugh i think i just threw up.
the NOISE. that terrible bumpbump noise that they make when they hit each other, that awful skreeeeeeeeeeaching sound when you rub them together. the popping sound when they die. the tshhhhhhhhhhh of air as it escapes ((blowing that foul, hot, damp stench all over the place as it does)). ugh.
the taste. ugh ugh ugh. it clings to everything. it clings to your fingers if you touch them, and then your mouth when you touch your mouth. i cant let my boyfriend touch me until he has used a liter of soap and a gallon of scalding water to rinse his hands off after he has used the dish gloves ((because fuck no if im going to use those things))
red robin is my hell. delicious food. but in order to get to it, you have to force your way through a labyrinth of balloons and children. balloons hanging from the ceiling, children that pull balloons along on strings, bouncing it in unpredictable places. what was once a clear path suddenly has Skippy and his Pink Balloon bouncing around at face level. god forbid your spawn of satan if his balloon touches me.
my roommate and friends in college decorated my bedroom to surprise me on my birthday. they put signs up and decorated the door and stuff.. but they put BALLOONS on the ceiling right above where my FACE goes when im sleeping. i tried to play it off. i grinned and tried to not show my absolute fear. but i had these images in my mind. me, sleeping peacefully, and then this bouquet of balloons coming undone and drifting down to land on my face. this would surely result in my death, either by heart attack, suffocation, or electrocution when i pissed myself and then kicked the socket. i had to get my roomie to take them down.
all in all, my name is michael j caboose and i hate balloons.
